Something to confess (TW: Sensitive topic mention)

Hey guys and girls, it’s CKakaW once again.

I have decided to return to blogging… but only to confess a massively sinful thing I have done in the PopCommunity in a past year which I now very deeply regret doing, I have posted this in a personal WordPress blog I just created, and I have copy-pasted it into this blog, because apparently I don’t know how to reblog, since the stupid reblog button won’t appear despite that it was checked in the “manage buttons” settings.

Anyways, if you read the part where I apologized in my supposedly-final post, I am going to explain it in detail in this post. I am sorry that you had to see this coming into your inboxes, but I had no choice but to confess to all of you right here in this PopCommunity blog.

Please keep in mind that there are going to be sensitive topics mentioned in this post, alright? Okay, here we go.

It all started somewhere in the summer of 2016 when I was at a Discord server in the community where I met someone who was underaged, 10 years old. I was communicating with several of my friends there, and then the underaged user said something nice to me. My brain-dead self at that time assumed that it was something about dating, and immediately started DMing her heart emojis, love messages, and messages that would be in an online dating/shipping roleplay, without even knowing she was underaged and what I was doing was an illegal thing to do, without realizing that I was actually grooming her. To make matters worse, I not only threw unfomfortable messages at her in DMs, I even did it in the public in front of everyone in the server, causing everyone to comment on our relationship and even cause drama in the community over it. Not to mention that she replied love messages and I believed that she did feel okay with me throwing messages at her, when actually, she felt the opposite.

One day, I got a DM from the girl and she told me that she was breaking up. I was sad at first, and then she revealed that her mother did not want her dating me over the Internet, and that she doesn’t trust me. Days after the breakup, I got tons of hate messages flying towards me in the PopCommunity Discord servers as time went by, but I unknowingly shrugged it off until about three years later, when I finally realized what I had actually done…

…but I just tried to make everyone forget it by apologizing to the girl and brushing it off once again, using this “Oh, it was years ago, let’s put the past behind us, shall we?” excuse and continuing having fun communicating with friends. However, one day when looking into old messages in the Discord server, I found a message sent towards me about the incident which was posted the following year. At that point, I realized that just because it happened years ago doesn’t mean everyone can just forget what they did and assume that I am 100% innocent, I still groomed a minor and I am responsible for what she suffered through. That was the point where things started to break down.

With that, I fell into a massive cloud of depression and started to put myself down by crying and harming myself in real life, believing that I was a horrible person and I did not deserve to live in this world. I quit posting in my PopCommunity blog, I deleted my Discord server, I refused to talk to anyone including my family members IRL which made me more and more unable to communicate with anyone, I just isolated myself from the public altogether. Well, except I posted a few tweets like every several days on Twitter and still went to Discord. Very rarely. I also tried talking with others in therapy forums/Discord servers, but I still felt like crap. And while I stayed away from the public and the PopCommunity, I really missed the fun I had back in the days, before it just fell downhill from there.

Until one day, I was suggested that I would see an actual psychologist or get help somewhere. It was somewhere in the COVID-19 pandemic, so I did not get to actually go to an office and try to get help. I finally had no choice but to confess my Discord wrongdoings in front of my parents and talk with them about seeing an online therapist. They finally agreed, and we signed up for a trial in a mental health website. I was put in multiple zoom meetings with some doctors, and they suggested that I would try to stay offline for a specific period of time and learn to forgive myself. I also talked with some of my college professors, and they suggested that I try to do some enjoyable activities to help me cope with what happened, such as reading books and listening to music.

I am still in a state of depression from the Discord incident right now, but I am slowly learning to forgive myself and turn over a new leaf to the community and my family, even though sometimes some parts can be hard for me. To everyone I’ve met and/or witnessed the incident in 2016, especially GR, for all the mistakes I’ve made, I’m really sorry and I hope you all can forgive me and let me have a chance to redeem myself, and hopefully welcome me back to the community as a changed person.

I promise that I will never make the same mistakes that I have made ever again.

-William/CKakaW

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